BuddyRTC

Catharsis

There’s a reason why I don’t talk to you. 

I loved you more than I’d loved anyone or anything, up to that point. You were a person I would have given up anything for. I adored you, I thought of you incessantly, I treasured every moment I had with you. I drove two hours through a blizzard for you. In such a short time, I fell in love with every aspect of you. Every mannerism, every vocal tonality, every facet of who you were, I admired and held sacred. You became more precious to me than any other person in the world. For the first time, I held a love, a bond that transcended anything I’d felt, an endearment that I placed above all others, with someone so beautiful that it dazzled me everyday as to how I was so lucky. I would have given you everything. I gave you everything. 

We broke up, without a reason suitable enough to break up what I thought we had. After months of “I love you”s, days of laughter, and nights of love, I suddenly heard, “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” You said you wanted to be friends, but for a month after that I still slept in your bed, I touched you, I woke up beside you. I was very confused. 

I was confused because of your nature. How nice you were, how genuine and caring. I cherished you above all else, so it really shouldn’t have been a surprise when I realized how much of my vitality I’d vested in you. I stopped eating, I slept my days away, and the one thing that really kept me from doing terrible things to myself was the thought that, “If I do that, then I’ll definitely never be with her again.” The vibrant world of color you gave me became a sullen, shadowy pit. And still I loved you with everything that I had.

The reason that I don’t talk to you is because I don’t understand you. It’s been 2 years, and I still don’t understand what happened. After all that I gave you, I don’t understand how you gave me up so easily. After “breaking up” with me for a month, while still having me in your bed, I don’t understand how you moved on so fast as to initiate another relationship within the month we broke up. I don’t understand how you expected me to be “just friends” with you, knowing full well how much I loved you. I don’t understand why I loved you for almost a full year after you broke up with me and dated a person whom I considered a friend and role model. I don’t understand any of it. 

However, I do understand that, as nice a person as you are, you still did something very terrible to me. I do understand that, through some grace, I wasn’t meant to be with you, because the person I’m with now is the one that I was truly meant to be with. I do understand that, whatever your real reasons were for breaking up with me, they don’t matter, because I feel no need to ever speak to you again.

I just thought you should know.